To the Person Who is Struggling with Grief
It’s OK to grieve in your own way. The connection you had with your loved one is something that cannot be recreated with another person. You are unique. Your loved one was unique. So it stands to reason that your grief will be unique.
There’s no standard timeframe for grief. There are no standard ways to grieve. And no one has the right to judge the amount of love you hold in your heart by seeing how you grieve.
No Grief is the Same
I lost my father 6 months ago. I had watched him go in and out of the hospital for 3 years. Although I do feel sad at times, it was also a relief for me to see him finally be free of pain. Because he had many close calls, we had many chances to communicate from our hearts. We both knew he mattered to me, and I to him.
My grieving process, which started long before his actual passing, wouldn’t be relatable to a teenager who lost his father in an unexpected manner. It also wouldn’t be relatable to someone who was not even communicating with their father because of a complicated past. To me, those are experiences that I simply cannot have. I can only imagine what that must feel like.
And that’s just it. We can only imagine.
Even when we’re grieving over someone we all biologically have, a father, our grief is still individual. The relationship we had before the passing informs the way we feel. Sometimes our grief is tinged with regret or resentment. Sometimes it’s relief or gratitude. We may share some characteristics of grief but stand just outside of full understanding simply because we can’t actually feel what another person is feeling.
It’s because of this unyielding distance that makes grief feel so lonely. You feel like no one understands you. But that is how it’s supposed to be. They may want to. They may want to help ease your pain. But grief is not something you can outsource.
You are not alone
This might make it sound like you have to grieve all by yourself. But that’s not true either. You are never actually alone. I don’t believe that death is the end of your relationship with your loved one. It just changes form. Your loved one is constantly near you and sending you love, hoping that at least one of the signs will make it through to you.
For me, my relationship with my father is much more intimate. He is no longer attached to a body, so he can come visit me at anytime. He can even be here with me and over in Japan with my mother all at once. When my kids go on field trips, I can relax more because I know my dad is tagging along, keeping an eye on them and observing everything the kids do with pure joy. I even received something in the mail on my birthday that made me feel like he was right there with me.
May you feel free to grieve in your own way
The lessons you will learn from going through the grieving process is some of the greatest gifts your loved ones can offer you. The best way to make the most out of that gift is to face it head on. So, give yourself permission to grieve. Take the reigns and grieve in your own way at your own pace. Even if you feel like you’re crumbling right now, you’re going to be OK. Your loved ones will help you rebuild every step of the way.
Know that you are loved,
Sono