May We Figure Out What Self-Acceptance Really Feels Like
Yesterday, I wrote about developing a new perspective about death, and in particular, killing. It was certainly a difficult and uncomfortable topic to write about. But lately, I’ve been feeling like the running theme for my life has been self-acceptance. And the key to that was embracing my shadows. I kept facing situations where I would be challenged to face the worst sides of me and then accept them as a part of me. I’ve been learning to worry less about what people thought of me, and that is probably why I was ready to share my thoughts about such a difficult topic.
The Paradox of Self-Acceptance
If you look back at my past posts, I think you’ll see that I’ve been trying to accept myself as I am for years. But I can see now that it was in an “A+ student” kind of way that enforced perfection. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to hate myself as much as I did. So, I thought that if I continued improving and growing, I would be able to approve of myself enough to call it self-acceptance. In the pursuit of perfection, I lost sight of what self-acceptance meant. I rejected myself for not being able to accept myself. And in a way, I knew that. I think that was why I was so frustrated with myself.
So what was the “right” way to accept myself? It felt paradoxical. It seemed like either you had it or you didn’t. How can you accept yourself when you didn’t accept yourself?
Time to Peel the Onion
Self-acceptance, as it turns out, is like peeling an onion. I had to peel layers and layers off of my identity. Too brittle, too damaged, too mushy, too smelly. I shed lots of tears until I got to the core, and suddenly it dawned on me. “Dang, the whole thing was an onion.” Yeah, all of those layers were me. Every single layer that I tried to throw away has contributed to the current me. Even the part of me that rejected myself was, and still is, a part of me. Self-rejection was a part of self-acceptance.
I feel like I’ve finally moved on to the stage of cooking the onion. With a constant stream of “I see you, I hear you, and I’m proud of you for trying,” I cook all those layers until they are tender and sweet. There are moments when I look back and cringe, but I tell myself that no matter what I’ve done in the past, they were the result of the best that I could do in that moment. And I have faith that I will continue to do the best that I can. I am grateful for me being me, and I know that I am OK. I’ve always been OK. There’s this societal conditioning that expects mothers to be the source of unconditional love. But the person that you really should be expecting unconditional love from is you.
The fun part of peeling an onion is that if you save the center, you can plant it again and grow a flowering plant. I think I’ll go plant my onion. I want to nurture what’s there. That’s what self-acceptance feels like to me.