May We Break Out of Our Toxic Codependency Pt.2
In Part 1 yesterday, I detailed how I had asked my husband for a separation because I had recognized that we were in a toxic codependency. And lucky for me, my husband recognized it too.
It was a very confusing time, to be honest. Here I was, mentally ready to start a new life, believing that we would both be happier living separately. But for the first time in a long time, he started listening to me in earnest. Instead of getting defensive and yelling immediately, he became thoughtful and asked questions. The perpetually unapologetic man, apologized. Along with his newfound willingness to have meaningful communications came a sense of safety that I had not known for a long time. This was a game changer for me since one of the most painful things about the marriage up until then was that I did not feel emotionally safe enough to be myself around him.
Little by little, he won me over again. Now, one year later, I can say that our marriage is stronger than ever. I am happy to report that we hardly ever fight, and if we do, it doesn’t last long. We don’t let our resentments bottle up until they fester.
How This Applies to to the World Today
When I look at the world as it is now, I see so much similarities. This world resembles a toxic codependent marriage, on the verge of a divorce. We are deep in the middle of a blame game. We point fingers at each other and say, “It’s your fault that our world is coming apart.” We believe ourselves to be too small to make a meaningful difference, so we distract ourselves from the feeling of helplessness by pointing fingers. “See, they stopped us!! That’s why things are not getting any better!” we cry. Because we have this very general, shape-shifting entity called “the government” that we can blame, it’s even easier to portray yourself as the victim. We are the smart people who know how to make the world better, and they, the stupid ones, keep making things worse.
Do you see it? We depend on each other to make ourselves right. As soon as we align ourselves with the “righteous” ideology, we automatically create the “wrong”. We depend on the presence of “bad” people in order to remain the “good” one. That’s toxic codependency. We are hurt people, hurting each other in an endless loop.
The Only Way to Move Forward
In order to get out of this loop, we’re going to have to recognize our role in this toxicity, and be accountable for ourselves. And we are also going to have to trust in others to do the same. I mean, divorce is not an option on a planetary scale. What are we going to do? Move all the people with one ideology into one hemisphere, and move the opposing ones to the other? People are not that neatly divided.
Just like when we are going through a marriage counseling, we are going to have to have deep conversations, and most importantly, honest self-reflections within ourselves. With these posts, I’m going to have to break down the image you have of yourself over the month. But I will definitely help you build it back up in a more honest way. So please, bear with me. I hope to leave you more motivated and hopeful by the end of May.