May We Break Out of Our Toxic Codependency Pt.1
During this Month of May, I wish to explore ways to help bring more unity to this sharply divided world. But you might be wondering, what makes me so qualified to offer any advice in regards to such a lofty goal? Isn’t that a bit much? What can one person do, really?!
Well, I don’t know if I can do much either. But I personally went through something last year that I feel correlates with what is happening in the world today. And it makes me hopeful that what I learned through that experience is something that contains hints to what we can learn as a society. After all, what happens in our microcosm is often a reflection of what is happening in our macrocosm. If sharing my story can lead to an “Aha!” moment in a single person’s life, maybe it’s worth the effort.
Recognizing the Situation as it is
Last year, I asked my husband for a separation after being together for 25 years. It was certainly not a spar of the moment decision made in a flash of anger. It was a culmination of years of frustrations, resentments, and tears. We had come close to it many times already. Our home felt like a minefield of triggers that could blow up into shouting matches at any moment.
I knew that I wasn’t happy in this marriage. And I knew that it was negatively affecting our kids. But as a person who firmly believed in the Oneness of the world, divorce felt like giving up. I didn’t want to look at the kids and say, “Sorry, if you want to know how to get along with your father, you are on your own.” There had to be another way. “If only I could help my husband see the world from where I am,” I thought. “If he would just become more self-aware of himself and continue growing as a person, he could become happy. And then, in turn, we could all be happy.”
The more I sought his growth, though, the more he resisted it. I was hoping that we could grow old together. The reality was that we were just getting old, separately in our own corners.
Be Accountable for Your Role in the Situation
Looking back, I can see that I was hanging on because it benefited me. I was seriously insecure about myself, so I needed someone to look down on. Categorizing my husband as an emotionally abusive man-child helped me paint myself as the victim. Then, I could say, “At least I’m a better parent, a better person”. I cringe having to look back at myself in this way, but I needed him to be the villain in my life. And I was waiting and prodding for my husband to change in to a savior, so that he could bring me my happiness on a silver platter.
It’s scary what our “comfort zones” actually look like. It’s ugly, messy, and painfully cruel. But somehow, we’d rather stay there than to step into the unknown… Until one day, all of a sudden, we’ve suddenly had enough.
Accepting the Situation as a Toxic Codependency
I had that moment. I just had enough. The unknown seemed better than continuing on the way it was. I wanted ME to step up. I wanted ME to believe that I deserved happiness. It was time for ME to be my own savior. And that meant recognizing that I was the one keeping myself unhappy. It was time for me to be accountable for my own happiness. And I realized that we were in a codependent relationship at its worst. We all need to depended on others to live, but if we are dependant on minimizing others in order to maintain the status quo, that’s toxic. That’s no way to live.
The interesting thing is that once I decided to seek happiness for myself, my ego let go of the need to control. Up until then, my ego thought it knew how to make everyone around me happy. It believed that by micromanaging the way my husband thought and acted, I could create happiness for my family. But I finally let that all go. I recognized that if I had the right to decide what happiness looked like for me, then so did he. It was time to trust that he knew how to make himself happy and that he is more than capable of finding his way there without me.
I accepted the possibility that his happiness existed apart from me. I pictured him happy, doing his own thing, enjoying his life without the limitations that I brought to the table. My desire for his happiness was genuine and from the heart. I asked for a separation so that he could be free to pursue what he enjoyed without me hanging around with a sour face.
…And then, a miracle happened. When I stopped trying to change my husband, he changed! He saw the toxic codependency, too, and chose to live differently.
Continued to Part 2 tomorrow…